Lucy Gets Evicted
by DetectiveMinerva
Summary: Fed up with Lucy's outrageous spending habits, Ethel, Fred, and Ricky decide to teach Lucy a lesson - by evicting her from the apartment to the shed on the roof!


Here it is, my first _I Love Lucy_ fanfic! In this tale, set sometime in the third season, Ethel, Ricky, and Fred are all fed up with Lucy's outrageous spending habits and decide to teach her a lesson - by evicting her from the apartment! What will happen? Read on to find out!

I want to dedicate this story to my dear friend and soul sister HAFanForever, whose help amd input on this story has and will continue to be invaluable - she's already helped me with the prices and a grant deal of the dialogue mentioned in this first chapter! You are the best, girl!

* * *

 _Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest one of all? You are, you gorgeous redhead._

Lucy Ricardo smiled at her reflection as she admired herself in her bedroom mirror. She had just taken advantage of a sale at Macy's, and was now trying on the new outfit she had bought. The tea-length, turquoise tulle dress was the latest style and swirled around her as she spun. And, of course, she hadn't been able to resist purchasing a pair of matching open-toed pumps and a stylish hat (still in the box) to match. It had taken all of her remaining allowance plus some of Ricky's credit to cover the cost of the outfit, even on sale, but Lucy just had to have it. A new dress required new shoes and a new hat, after all. If a lady showed up at a friend's house or a society event wearing a lovely new dress with last month's old hat and shoes, she'd be snickered at behind her back. Surely Ricky could see that. As much as he fussed at Lucy about her spending habits, he must not want his wife to be humiliated in front of everyone like that… right?

 _Suuuuuuure_ , a snide voice sneered in the back of Lucy's mind. _Keep telling yourself that, honey. Ricky's gonna blow a gasket when he hears how much you spent, and you know it._

 _He will not,_ Lucy snapped back at the voice, banishing it to the back of her mind. _When I tell him I needed new things so I wouldn't be embarrassed in front of our friends, he'll be happy I bought everything_. She smiled at her reflection again. _Besides, he'll be struck dumb at how pretty I look._

"Lucy!"

The distant call brought Lucy back to reality. Recognizing the voice, she made her way out of the bedroom. "Coming, Ethel!"

Lucy entered the living room to find her best friend coming through the swinging kitchen door. It didn't surprise her in the slightest. The back door was always open to the Mertzes, day or night. "Hi, girl!" Lucy greeted with a grin.

"Hi! Oh, boy, don't you look smashing!" Ethel gushed, observing Lucy's new getup.

Beaming, Lucy twirled once for her friend's inspection. "Thanks! There was a sale at Macy's today, and when I saw this dress, I just had to have it. And I needed shoes and a hat to go with it, so…" Lucy poised her feet to display her shoes. "Aren't they beautiful?"

"They sure are, but where's your hat?" Ethel asked, nodding at Lucy's red curls.

Frowning, Lucy patted the top of her head. "Ooh, I forgot!" She laughed. "I haven't taken it out of the box yet! I got so caught up in trying on the dress and the shoes that I forgot about the hat!" Quick as a flash, she darted back into the bedroom and returned with the hat perched atop her head. "Well? Isn't it something?"

Ethel didn't reply. The hat was definitely not one of Lucy's better picks. It was a lovely shade of turquoise, but it appeared to be nothing more than a little pillbox with a bunch of huge, crushed cabbages on it. "Oh yeah, it's something, all right. I just wish I knew what!"

Lucy's smile deflated. "Well, you don't have to be nasty about it. It just happens to be the very latest style."

"For what? Cabbage patch camouflage?" Ignoring Lucy's irritated "Ohhhh," Ethel continued, "I hate to think how much something like that cost you."

Suddenly, Lucy's eyes widened. "Uh… you know, I didn't even think about what jewelry I'm gonna wear with this dress. You want to come back to the bedroom and help me pick something out?"

Ethel narrowed her eyes. This was classic Lucy - if she didn't want to talk about something, she'd change the subject, and if the other person persisted, she'd keep on changing the subject in the hope that he or she would either get distracted or give up. Occasionally, it was easier to give up. Not today, though, not with what Ethel was putting up with at home. "Lucy, how much was your outfit?"

"I think my sapphire necklace and earrings would look beautiful with this, don't you think?" Lucy asked, changing the subject yet again as she all but ran into the bedroom.

 _Uh-uh. You're not getting away,_ Ethel thought, following her squirrely friend. "How much?"

"Ooh! What about my pearls? Oh, Ethel, they'll look divine with all this turquoise!" Lucy exclaimed, reaching for her jewelry box. Before she could open it, though, Ethel clapped a hand on the lid. "Ethel, what's wrong with you?"

Ethel nearly laughed. "You're asking me? You're the one acting like you stole your husband's credit to shop!"

Now Lucy's jaw dropped. "Who blabbed?"

 _Aha!_ Ethel folded her arms. "You did, just now." While Lucy made a _darn it_ gesture with her hands, Ethel pursued an answer to her question. "If you used Ricky's credit to buy all this, it must've been a doozy. How much did this outfit cost?"

"Now, Ethel, that's not entirely true. I used the rest of my allowance for part of it, and I only borrowed Ricky's credit to pay for the rest!"

"Lucy, with you, borrowing and stealing are interchangeable. How much?"

Finally, Lucy's shoulders slumped. "Well… the dress was $60… the hat was $30… and the shoes were $9.95."

Ethel mentally calculated. "So, that's…" Her eyes got as big as quarters. "$99.95!" she cried in shock.

"Sshh!" Lucy shushed her, frantically waving her hands. "Are you crazy or something? What if Ricky comes home and hears you yelling?"

"Lucy, at this point, I wouldn't mind if he did hear me. You spend his money faster than he can make it!"

"Oh, Ethel, you should talk! You go shopping with me and spend the money Fred gives you!"

"Oh, please. The last thing I bought with Fat Freddy's chicken feed was a new slip, and that was because my old one was so patched up, I could use it to scare crows!" Ethel stared her friend down. "By the way, what happened to the other half of your allowance? Dare I hope you've set it aside to pay the rent for this month - which, need I remind you, is overdue by a week?"

Lucy had the grace to look ashamed. "No. I used the first half of my allowance to buy the most stunning red hat, but -"

"I just had to have it," Ethel finished with Lucy. "Lucy, for crying out loud, it's a miracle you can even pay your bills, and speaking of, here's your mail." She handed Lucy the envelopes she had been holding in her hand.

Lucy quickly surveyed the return addresses, wincing more with each one. "It's nothing but bills. Oh gee, I'll have to ask Ricky for an advance on my allowance…"

"Before or after he kills you for charging your clothes to his account? Lucy, I swear your memory has more holes than Swiss cheese. Don't you remember the last time you bought an expensive hat you didn't need?"

"Don't remind me," Lucy groused, rubbing her behind at the memory. Ricky had spanked her for breaking their bet and putting him through torture to make him lose his temper so _he_ would lose. "I know I have to pay the bills, but why do you need the rent so badly? You usually give me a break!"

"Uh-uh, not this time. Fred's been on me about your overdue rent like white on rice. If I don't get the rent soon, he'll be over here to get himself - from Ricky."

"Oh no, Ethel, please!" Lucy begged.

"Nope," Ethel said, holding up her hands and striding out of the bedroom. "I'm not bailing you out this time. You dug your pit, now you've gotta worm your way out of it."

"Ethel!" Lucy ran after her. "Ethel, you gotta stall Fred. Tell him anything, just don't let him tell Ricky!"

Her timing couldn't have been worse. No sooner had she said this than the door opened and in walked Ricky. "Aaah!" Lucy yelped, leaping behind Ethel.

Ricky started upon seeing his wife scream and duck behind their landlady. "Dun't tell me what? Why you actin' so yumpy?"

"I'm not yumpy!" Lucy countered, mimicking Ricky's Spanglish.

"Oh, she's jumpy, all right. She -"

Lucy clamped a hand over Ethel's mouth. "I, uh, I just didn't want you to see me in my new outfit just yet. But, since the cat's out of the bag…" She stepped out from behind Ethel and posed for Ricky. "What do you think?"

"Well, the dress and shoes are pretty, but that hat…" Ricky started chuckling. "You look like you're wearin' a cabbage on your head!"

Lucy glared at her husband, who was now doubled over laughing. "How would you know? For years, you thought cabbage was a card game."

Just then, the kitchen door swung open. "Yeah, and he figured out it wasn't when I asked him if there was a head of cribbage in the icebox," said Fred, strolling into the living room. He came to a halt and did a double take when he saw Lucy's hat. "Well, I knew you were born in a cabbage patch, but I didn't think you'd wear it on your head!"

Ricky started laughing again, and even Ethel joined in, leaving Lucy fuming. "How you doin', Fred?" Ricky asked his landlord.

"Not that good. Your rent is seven days late, and I'm $60 short."

"What?" Ricky's eyebrows knitted. "What do you mean the rent is seven days late?"

"I mean the rent is seven days late," Fred repeated impatiently. "Ethel's never gotten the rent, and every time I've asked her about it, she's said Lucy hasn't paid."

Now Ricky's brows arced, and he put his hands in his pockets. "Oh, yeah?" He turned to Lucy, who was nervously chewing on her thumbnail. "Lucy, you tole me you paid the rent last week."

"I tole you I paid the rent last week?" Lucy repeated, trying to play dumb.

Ricky's lips flattened into a line. "Lucy, what you do with the money? You know you were s'posed to use your allowance to pay the rent!"

"She knows. She just doesn't do it!" Fred cut in.

"You keep out of this!" Lucy snapped at him, but the retort was a mistake. Ricky knew all too well that when Lucy got defensive like this, it meant she was hiding something.

"Lucy, I'm gonna ask you one more time. What did you do with the money? And come to think of it, how much did all this paraphernalia you got on cost?"

"Well, that's our cue to skiddoo," Ethel announced, grabbing Fred's hand and pulling him toward the kitchen.

"Ethel, why are you dragging me out of here?" Fred asked, wrenching his hand out of her grip.

"Because I don't want to be here for the bloodbath," Ethel said. "Let's go!" She grabbed Fred's hand again and hauled him out of the apartment.

Of course, Ethel's choice of words caused Ricky to turn toward Lucy once more. "Bloodbath? _Ay, que barbaridad, esto tiene que ser malo,"_ he muttered. "How much did you spend, Lucy?"

"Now, Ricky, when I saw this dress, I knew I had to have shoes and a hat to go with it," Lucy began, hoping she could explain herself out of her situation. "If, if I have a new dress and I wear old shoes and an old hat with it, Caroline and the other ladies are gonna laugh at me behind my back. You wouldn't want that, would you?"

Ricky didn't fall for it. "Old shoes? Old hat? You got a million shoes and hats you never even worn! How much did this cost?"

"Ricky, don't you care if they make fun of me?"

"Lucy…" Ricky planted his hands on his hips and moved in closer to Lucy, glaring at her. "How much?"

Lucy gulped. There was no arguing with him when he gave her that look. It was time to face the music. "Well, sir… with the dress, and the shoes and the hat… and this stuff was on sale… $99.95."

"$99.95?" Ricky bellowed; Lucy jumped about a foot in the air. "No wonder you couldn't pay the rent! You spent your whole allowance on this stuff?"

"No, sir. I spent half my allowance on this stuff, because I'd spent the other half on another hat. I, uh... " Lucy braced herself for another explosion. "I had to use your credit to pay for the rest," she blurted out.

"WHAT?" Ricky yelled. His eyes were bugged, his face was red, and a vein was beginning to pulse in his neck. "You used my credit?"

"I had to, honey! I needed this stuff!"

"¿ _Los necesitabas_?" Ricky ranted in Spanish. " _Diez mil vestidos y sombreros en tu armario, ¿y necesitabas más? ¡Nos vas a meter en la casa de los pobres! ¡Ay_!" He stormed toward the door, still muttering angry Spanish words to himself.

"Where are you going?" Lucy asked, relieved that the yelling was over, yet wondering what on Earth her furious husband was going to do now.

Ricky spun to face Lucy. "Over to Fred and Ethel's. I gotta cool off, and _someone's_ gotta pay the rent!" He stalked out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him, and Lucy was left to wonder to herself: _what now?_

A few doors down, in the Mertzes' apartment, Ricky was doling out the overdue rent to an eager Fred. "Here you go, Fred," he said, handing his friend the sixty dollars. "I'm real sorry 'bout all this."

"Hey, it's not your fault." Fred slipped the money into his pocket. "I'm just glad to finally get this money."

"So am I," Ethel said from her spot on the couch. "This means Fred will finally get off my back."

"Not easy when you've got a wide back to get off of," Fred quipped, while Ethel stuck her tongue out at him.

"Ay, I just dun't know what I'm gonna do about Lucy," Ricky said, sitting down next to Ethel on the couch. "No matter how many times I try to 'splain to her that we can't afford for her to spend her allowance on all this 'spensive stuff, she never listens. Why does she need so much stuff, anyway? Ethel, no 'fense, but is it some kinda woman thin'?"

Ethel gave Ricky a wry smile. "No 'fense taken. It's a Lucy thing more than anything else. I love shopping, but I know my limit - and there it sits," she said, pointing at Fred, who was reclining in his favorite chair. "He keeps me on such a tight leash, I feel like a French poodle."

"Honeybunch, you say French poodle, I say English bulldog." Fred leaned forward in his chair to better talk to Ricky. "Lucy, on the other hand, is more like a peacock. She's gotta have all the best things and she's gotta be flashy and bright."

"And she loves to crow about what she's got and how much it cost," Ethel added.

Ricky chortled heartily. "Maybe someone oughta pluck her feathers and titch her a lesson!"

Something suddenly clicked behind Ethel's eyes. "Yeah! Someone oughta teach her a lesson!"

"Ethel?" Fred gave her a curious look.

"Why not pluck Lucy's feathers? I mean, let's give her a lesson in what it means to make money and save it to manage a household and pay the rent, instead of always spending it on herself!"

Fred got up and walked over to his wife, putting a hand on her forehead. "Ethel, are you feeling okay?"

Ethel shook his hand off. "I'm fine! I'm just sick and tired of covering for Lucy every time she's late with the rent and spent her money on stuff she doesn't need."

Fred raised his hands to heaven. "I think it's gonna snow. Ethel's actually siding with us this time!"

"You're darn tootin'! And I've got a little plan that's gonna make every last one of her schemes look like chump change!" Ethel clapped her hands and brought the boys with her into a huddle. "Now, here's what we're gonna do…"


End file.
